How to Write Unmaintainable Code: 25 Tips to Keep Your Job Forever

In this tutorial, I want to highlight the art of writing unmaintainable code. By doing so, you can ensure job security as you become the sole guardian of understanding the intricacies and purpose behind your code.

Please note: This post is intended to be ironic.

1. Be creative with naming variables, functions, and objects. Make sure there is no logical correlation between the name and its purpose or behavior.
2. Embrace abbreviations and acronyms instead of descriptive names. Use one-letter variables whenever possible.
3. Promote variable reuse throughout your code. Stick to using ‘i’ as your go-to loop variable.
4. Feel free to use your native language for naming conventions. Who needs to conform to English standards?
5. The same goes for comments. Write them in your preferred language, regardless of the next developer’s linguistic background.
6. Or better yet, forgo comments altogether.
7. If you do decide to include comments, don’t bother updating them when you modify the corresponding code.
8. Opt for global variables instead of exploring scoping options.
9. Testing is overrated. Trust your skills and assume your code is flawless.
10. Complications make code impressive. Choose convoluted solutions over simplicity, even if it means unnecessary rewriting.
11. Optimize code for the sake of energy efficiency. Rewriting in assembly is a great idea.
12. Unpopular languages and frameworks are superior. Don’t follow the herd; choose the road less traveled.
13. Create your own framework and reinvent the wheel.
14. Ignore 3rd party libraries completely.
15. Alternatively, excessively rely on 3rd party libraries for minimal functionality.
16. Implement every design pattern you come across, regardless of relevance or necessity.
17. Trust large corporation tools blindly. Their complexity and obscure naming conventions are surely beneficial for your one-person startup.
18. Version control is irrelevant. Who needs it? Keep track of changes in your head; after all, there’s only one right version of the program.
19. Blindly copy and paste code from Stack Overflow or random blogs without understanding its purpose.
20. Ignore consistent indentation. Mix spaces and tabs without care.
21. Overuse abstractions excessively. Complicate everything to ensure excessive reusability.
22. Assume you will reuse every library you create indefinitely, so invest excessive time in handling potential edge cases.
23. Pursue every brilliant idea that comes to mind, no matter how unnecessary or unrelated it may be.
24. Who needs small functions? 2000-line functions are the way to go!
25. Code with the notion that a mythical 10x engineer is scrutinizing your every move behind you.

Tags: code maintenance, programming tips, best practices, software engineering